the spaces between

Young Soldier

themusingstranger:

I heard war consisted of an unfair deal
Old men talking and young ones dying
This bargain with its slant forms a hill
Upon which the young fall despite all trying

Kings and presidents with the fortune of age
Possess not an understanding of this horror
For while they saunter along a gilded stage
A young life is claimed by the bullets of terror.

• Firefly: You know....i've been thinking about it, and if you did decide to do top surgery i think i'd be alright with it. <3 idk, but i've kinda come to that conclusion.
• Me: that was...unexpected, and random...may I ask what brought that on? and your thought process? <33
• Firefly: Well, i had been thinking about it on and off since we talked last about it, and i just kinda decided that it wouldnt be that huge of a deal for me. <3
• Firefly: idk, i suppose im slowly kind of getting into the flow of this, and things like that are less than i built them up in my head when i get to thinking seriously about them. <3 Im not sure how i'd feel if your voice changed....like, im not sure if it would break my heart, but i think i'd be a bit sad.
• Me: <3 wow. I did not expect that to come from you, not for a long time, if ever. And top surgery is a long ways away, if it ever happens...but...thank you, Lauren-love <3 I'll take things as slowly as you need to get used to them, and explain them as clearly as possible
• Me: (speaking of, re-recording those videos cause my computer won't let me edit the length). <33 that means the world, precious. and I think I'd be sad if my voice changed too, but only because I don't want to lose my laugh. <33
• Me: though I have to say, if it made you sad, I'd be sad too. That's all there is to it. <33 idfk. I'm taking this really really slowly now, because from here things get...really serious, really quickly. Haircut, new name (which can be considered a nickname by people still put off by it) and style, those are all pretty shallow things. the packing and binding, too. but T or such...that's a huge step. and one I want to think about for a long time, and have you directly in my life in some way by that point, so you can be part of the process if you'd like, watch it and etc. <33 it'd be scary alone. but idk. I'm so much more at ease in my own skin now...finally. it's bewildering. truly is overwhelming how much happier I am bound and packing, and looking like I do. I never thought it was possible to be this content, even when my mood goes all over the place, at the base line, I'm even and content. It's so strange, and if it lasts like this for a few years, then I'll probably consider top surgery. <3 or T. idfk. lol. <3 that's a long ways off <33
• Me: I won't lie, I've considered going to the doc just to get tested to see if T would work on me, and looking into natural supplements to slightly up the levels, but I haven't acted on any of it, and I've just done some poking around and questioning. That's both fascinating and terrifying territory
• Firefly: Idk, doll, i think any hesitations or such i've been having are stemming mostly from this being new, and trying to take it all in. I really...im fine with you doing whatever it takes to make you happy, and for you to love yourself. <3 your voice is prob the one thing that would be sorta heart-wrenching. Your boobs dont matter to me in the grand scheme of things, your body shape, your hair, your clothes. Its all just superficial things that dont matter in comparison to you being happy. This new adventure looks good on you. It really does. It suits you better than i've seen anything suit you since we met. You seem so much more...at home?...in yourself. More full in your own person. <3 idk. The physical is not a huge issue, except for hesitations from a "will this be something you regret..." standpoint, and the voice....i just love your voice, and your laugh. I would be sad if that changed, but if it was important to you...i'd be try as hard as i could to be okay with it, adapt <3
• Firefly: Idk, doll, whatever you want, so long as you really do want it <3
• Me: <33 I think the voice thing would be hard on me, too. I'm not sure. I've just been watching how I end sentences and my tones, though that slips a lot when I laugh haha <33 idk. I won't do anything anytime soon, I promise. And yes...that's how I judge everything I've been doing "will I regret this ___" and "how permanent is this" (if I get top surgery I can get a chest tattoo... :D)
• Me: <3 idk love. you're right, though, I'm happier than I've ever been. Pretty sure Beth could attest to that. Or James. idk, everyone else has been kept at arms length lol. <33 I feel more whole, less lost. That's for sure. but I'm taking this slowly, I promise. and I don't want to do something that will hurt you, like my voice, unless you're right there for me to hold and work through that together, cause I know it would suck <33
• Firefly: (true, you can :p <3) im glad you are, i dont want you to do anything unless you really want it and wont regret it <3
• Me: (that's serious incentive xD haha) <33 I don't want to do that either. And I don't want to do anything too drastic and too sudden for you to be okay with, either <33
• Firefly: I dont want you to be hesitant because of me though, doll <3 if you want to do something, as long as we talk about it beforehand, i want you to. <3 and i only want to talk beforehand because i wanna be informed, and make sure youre serious enough about it if its irreversible <3 dont let yourself stop because you think "but it might hurt lauren..." This is about you, not me <3 and im adapting and adjusting like i always do <3 i can take it, love, you dont have to worry so much about me <3 just keep me involved verbally, and i'll do the rest on my end <3
• Me: <3 I'm not hesitant, just...prudent. Cautious. Taking my time. <3 and making sure to vocalize it in a few different ways, so that you understand completely, and by doing that I make sure I'm aware of what I'm doing <3 and I'm glad to have you to keep me in check, to keep thinking "how do I explain this to lauren" "how do I think she will take this", so I don't do something without thinking about it and knowing it's what I really want to do. And that I know how to explain it, too. idk. I'm perfectly alright with keeping you in mind when I do these things, because A: I don't want to overwhelm you B: you keep me in check C: I don't want to lose you somehow D: if I lose you, I'll have already lost everyone else. :p this is already going to lose me my family even more, especially if I follow it as far as a good portion of my heart is calling/shouting/begging/arguing for me to (top surgery and T), the last thing I want is to lose my other friends, and especially you. lol. So if I take it slowly, and communicate, that's less likely to happen <33 and I'm less likely to regret my decisions <33
• Firefly: you wont lose me, doll <3 i promise. <3 i PROMISE <44
• Firefly: True <3 im cool with taking it slow, and communicating, but i dont want you to base decisions off of me <3 i've never wanted that, and i know you know that <3 we've talked about it <4
• Firefly: <3 just know that i will not tell you not to do something you wanna do, just for me. And i dont want you to let me if i sound like i am. Most of anything i say will be hesitation and trying to adjust, and overthinking things <33
• Me: If you do that, I'll stop, slow down, backtrack, and try to see where you're coming from <33 try and help make this as painless as possible <33

eight shots of 80 proof

a good man and a boy watched an airplane:

an airplane in the television, it kept going

and going
through the class until 
the man fell: 
his chair broke 

the boy started running
into the tv that stole his father

and going
and going

until he was in a schoolbus where a hundred children 

with dreams and hopes sat laughing

where a girl with legs that wouldn’t work
fed a boy with arms that wouldn’t work
applesauce-

he had never tasted applesauce before: 
his family was too poor

but today was a celebration, so children shared 
their treats and stories and forgot about the world outside

until a boy fell into their bus, a boy who was a man to them.

and he kept running, 

until he was inside the car- the

police car following this bus with orders to kill

every child they didn’t deem 
perfect.

and this boy-man, he kept going, through their four-door 

world of black/white intent

until their redwhiteblueblacksiren lost focus and control, 
and existence narrowed down to survival
and existence narrowed down to breathing, 
exchanging rising river water for oxygen
inside a car that could not float
 

while a school bus full of children pulled further and further away
and the boyman kept running.

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